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May 09, 2010

9 May - Happy Mother's Day

To all the moms out there, thanks for being our moms. You hold us when we cry and make our lunch and cry for no reason other than we brought you a flower.

Special thanks to mom Claire for her unwavering, vigilant mom-ness taking care of 3 kids (if you count me), Grandma Teresa, and Grandma Mickey.

I say that especially for Claire because these days I am frustrated and grumpy and she takes the brunt of it. The ENT Dr last Thursday told me it's likely what's causing the sores in my mouth is fungus and I need more meds to take that away. Ugh. The sores are not super bad, but they are always with me and tend to peak when I rinse which is about 1000 times a day. My throat is dry and I feel like I'm constantly gagging. Fun.

I do feel some positive movement - I have a bit more energy - but
it's not enough. I noticed I have a new, chemo related patch of baldness, right at the back which has not yet grown back. If I let the hair around it go I look kind of mangy so I have decided, for the meantime, to go Kojack. The feeling is odd, the look is awful, but it's better than the mangy look.

I look old. I am skinny (158), saggy, short, and useless. If it were not for school I would feel completely without meaning, seriously. I know I mean something to someone, but I mean personally, to myself. I don't do anything, can't help anyone, can barely talk, and sit around miserable pretty much all day. If the sores would go away that would be huge. Followed by being able to swallow. Then at least I'd feel somewhat normal. If I didn't have mlb.com as a constant companion I'd feel very alone.

That last sentence made me think of Claire and Noah. It is because of them I do not feel alone. Claire is always ready to hold me when I feel like I cannot take it any longer. The times this has happened might occur just after I've vented my inner process at her, yet she has the understanding and grace to hold me. She is a wonder.

Noah spends silent hours here during the week when he is not working, sitting with me and my kids, playing or just being. His influence is calming and full of care. He is ready to perform any task, no matter how menial if it will help Claire with her day. He is solid gold. I am so grateful to both of them.

I graduate in 3 weeks so I have a lot of work to do. I miss not being in the world and am looking forward to rejoining it, and seeing all my friends again soon.


Posted by Michael at May 9, 2010 10:05 PM