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February 22, 2010

Day 6 - Even Better

Weight 179

On the whole today is better. Today the tummy is not as unhappy. The bloated-ness is abating and I'm able to eat more. I'm posting my weight as a reminder that I need to keep it from going down too far (<160 is too far).

The USA hockey win was a bit of hyperbole comparing it to the Miracle on Ice, really no comparison. However there is something about underdogs that gets my attention. Not necessarily in my case, but close enough to think about.

In reference to that rambling prologue, I chatted with PJ today for a bit and that was nice. We talked a bit about Lance Armstrong and his struggle with cancer (not to mention L'Alpe d'Huez). The insight I found when chatting with PJ is that the battle for experience is not just somewhat about intention. It is written in a lot of places about what the power of positive thought can manifest and it was never more present for me than today when I stared at my lunch. I have to eat. There is no *not* doing it.

Claire made chicken, re-fried beans, and Spanish rice, foods that I have heartily enjoyed as recently as a month ago, indeed last night now that I remember (thanks Ger!). Today they were the hurdle. If I am allowed to suppose, in a very small way, I think I may know what Lance likely knows. There is real difficulty in the emotional work of making the decision to do what you intend, as well as real difficulty in the physical work involved in doing it. I do not mean to imply that the emotional work is *harder* than the physical; in my experience most of the time this has not been the case. It's just that today I knew that if I did not decide to eat, I would not and, for me, that has been the battle this week.

It makes me feel extremely fortunate that I have such a choice. There are many people who would love to have the same choices as myself. In more cases than we need to supply, to not exercise the choice is extreme foolishness, yet I can tell you in all honesty, sometimes that simple decision is absolutely the most difficult one to make.

Rads started up again today and it was annoying. I think the people down at the RPCC need sensitivity training. A nurse tonight taking my *vitals* took my temperature with an ear monitor that was barely in my ear. She then tried to shut the door without asking me if I wished it closed. When I first went there a rad therapist was delighted I was no longer working because it was "easier for her to schedule."

She did not ask if I had an emotional reaction to not working. If she had she may have discovered that I had to terminate with 11 clients telling them I could no longer be available to help them. Had the nurse known what it's like to be strapped down to a table with a claustrophobic mask over *her* head, she may have thought twice about shutting me into a small exam room. I know this is petty, but it is meaningful to me. I am putting in my best effort to arrive and go through this difficult experience. I would like to know that these people are doing the same. Talk to the Dr? Come to think of it Dr Lee (rad onco) has never had a mask made for him nor been strapped down like his patients. Hmmmmmmm.

Sorry. I know this is rambling and whiny. I am trying to make this meaningful for me and anyone interested in the journey, but my brain isn't working quite right. 38 days to end of treatment. Ugh.

Posted by Michael at February 22, 2010 12:36 PM